its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
you made out with another girl for some wings
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
