Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
