All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
we're so committed to being not committed
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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