I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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