I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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