I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
