How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
