she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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