If i come over, it means nothing
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Randomize