I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
