There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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