I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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