My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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