It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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