dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
