So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We need a shit load of segways right now
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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