Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
