This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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