I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
where are you?
Hypothermia
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
