haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize