i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
