god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
