he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize