Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
