Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
