He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
