So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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