The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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