Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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