you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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