She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We are all done wearing pants today
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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