Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
