I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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