hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
