She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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