I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
