My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
