How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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