So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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