We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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