I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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