Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize