Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
