and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
this hospital has no fireball
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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