Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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