Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
