Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
