i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
