In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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