I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize