I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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