I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
