Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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