i love accidental penises.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
