I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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