Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
