the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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