Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
