Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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