dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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