I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
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