i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
