I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
