My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
