I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
