They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
