Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
