your parents love me but you hate me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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