I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize