I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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