i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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