You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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