"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
