trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize