i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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