You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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