my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
porn star boner night. come get it.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
