i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize