Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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