It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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