Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
