I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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